Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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