8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
