i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I party with great urgency now.
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