I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
