I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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