PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
