She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
