you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
And then he peed in my hair
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