Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
