Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
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I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
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My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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