Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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