dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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