at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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