so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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