Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
