We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
