Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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