i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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