Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
