Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
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I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
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How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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