Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize
