someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
