you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
