I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
