Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize