My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
