the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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