now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
