i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Randomize
