she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
