What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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