So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Randomize
