She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
