Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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