I bet he comes in French.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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