I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
