You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
