Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
