I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
