he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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