I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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