It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
