Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
