Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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