Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
