Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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