Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
