I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
