Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
