no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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