I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The air was thick with penises
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
