if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
