Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
