It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Two words: nipple clamps
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