i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
