the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
