textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
