im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
