well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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