Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
