did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Randomize
