After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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